4:24 PM
Edit This
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” or "No day but today." Which is true? Sadly, both cannot be truth. Either you believe in the future, planning, hoping, and dreaming, or you believe that all you have is today so you should live it to the fullest. I don't know what I believe tonight. One part of me strongly believes that the first statement must be true. This part is the logical, responsible, a degree will help me succeed in life part. The other part of me that part that seems run by my heart, compassion, and a sense of duty believes that there is no time like the present.
I watched The Constant Gardner tonight. A good film I couldn't tell you how much of it was fiction and how much fact. I fear more of it was fact than I'd like to believe. But even watching this movie on mute would have caused the same effect on me. I desprately want to go to Africa; I am sure that I can do good there actually benefit people. This is from the No day but today side.
This is not to say that I can do no good here in my own country there is a chance that I may. But I fear that I will become "the man." One of my deepest fears is that I will go to church every Sunday quite content with my self, that I will work my job and spend my money on things. I will be a good middle class American. I don't want that; I don't want that at all. But what else is there to do? I don't know how to stay here and avoid that trap. I don't know of an example to show me otherwise. Some days I really like the idea of moving to Connecticut, getting a little house, drinking as much coffee as I wish, teaching at a nice school or getting another degree and teaching at a small college. I'm not perfect that's for sure; I want security and a sense of self actualization. I know what a "good" life I could have here.
SO the question is do I really believe that if my goal is Africa I will get there? Do I really believe that the future and this is a future of substance belongs to those who dream? I don't know.
Call it what you may I have no answers.
5 comments:
I think the "future" side of the argument is also half "past" side.
This fu-past side beleives that the world will operate just like it always has and, therefore, dcisions must be made with past results in mind. But in reality, those past results are contingent on past situations.
I think that there is still a fear of the Deprsssion in all of us. That one day, there will be a time where there will be no jobs and no money and so we need to hedge our bets and take the safest route possible.
I say NO to this proposition. You have a degree, you are smart, you are healthy, you can get a job.
I think you ahve hit on the real fear in decision making in your posts when you added the comment "buy things". And what you are hitting on is a fear of being poor. But if you stop, think about how poor the American poor are (access to the internet, TV, books, cars, housing, etc.) then you realize that you can still enjoy things and be poor.
Or maybe there is a fear of not being great. There is a feeling that you can do something extraordinary and that there is a potential to screw it up. But in reality, great is very subjective, even though a definition of "great" exists in all American minds and it is strikingly similar.
If you are able to be happy with great but not famous or historic, then I think that the potential for greatness is very high in many people. Or at least if you can diminsh the level of fame, to say neighborhood/city-wide, then the odds of greatness increase.
I think I will take this whole response and make it into a blog entry.
Also, I deleted my own post.
Consider it a rough draft.
it's not a fear of being poor or of not being great mostly it is a fear of living a selfish life
thank you for your detailed comments
What you said, is what I meant.
The fear of being poor can be turned into, desire to have more things.
This fear/desire manifests itself diffeently. For me, it come form a fear that I will not be able to provide a home for my family, i.e. being too poor.
And the other side is that want to be involved in some sort of creative community, even a local one, and make creative things happen.
But can you make money while doing that?
And so my opposing furies battle with each other. Similar to yours.
Post a Comment